the terror, the melancholia, the search, all mixed together, haunt me from place to place, all the time..
my heart knows no peace..!!! my soul knows no peace..!!!
i am full of desire, so they say im a sinner..!!
my heart knows no peace..!!! my soul knows no peace..!!!
i wander to sate, only to sate, i long for the peace, only the peace,
but my desire eggs me on, and onwards i go to seek new pleasure, suffer fresh pains,
thankless am i, to myself, and rage builds within, to new loves, to renwed hates,
but the zest is good they say, the zest is good,
the zest for stupidity, becomes the zest for life i say..
and how many tears shall dribble down from my eyes;
and how much ache shall my heart take, i know not,
but for the resting place i yearn,
be it warm bosom, bed of earth, place of winged fantasy,
i still yearn,
to be free,
To be free is my plea;
is but my only humble plea

Why i am F#$% around

This is an excerpt from Wikipedia about the essence and meaning of a book and a movie by the same name - Fight club. And this is wat i 'as looking for all these years:

I was trying to figure out that movie for years, thinking about it, studying buddhism, zen philosophy, re-arranging my life, thinking to myself what is wrong with my life, and why am i the only one that feels like edward norton searching for his ice cave. looking for salvation, peace, happiness.
the truth?
everybody in this world is the "space monkey" (Fight club Terminology) living their lives blindly under the control of large corporations instilling fear and insecurities into you with commercials that tell you you are not good enough. conditioning the mind to work too hard, worrying about future, regretful about the past, and seeking salvation in things that provided only temporary relief, but only exacerbated the problems(TV commercials, drugs, cinema, video games, etc.) even religion has become something too complicated to understand, the bible is HUGE and mostly meaningless, preaching morals and hellfire, when peace of mind is what humans are truly seeking.
The Key?
The controlers want us to live in our minds, where we worry about the past and future, and live our lives in fear and thus spend more money trying to improve and protect ourselves.
Now for the RADICAL CONCEPT that you have been looking for, that EVERYONE has been looking for...
But, Time does not exist, if you are thinking about a week in the past or future, that is not REAL, it is only in the mind. All love, compassion, Joy, Grace, GOD, Peace, Happiness, ENERGY, LIFE, comes from NOW. That is what religion is for. when you see someone sexy or cute or lovely, it makes you HAPPY, because it BRINGS YOU INTO THE PRESENT. Loved ones, drugs, sex, beauty, they are ONLY FORMS. The true happiness comes from the PRESENT that those forms bring you into. So when you thought that those things were what made you happy, you were WRONG. it is being in the NOW that brings true happiness. You might laugh and think that is silly, but truly you have NEVER been in the now, this trillisecond. It is only through meditation (in the ice cave), intense fighting (with tyler durden), self mutilation (the acid burning his hand), sex (marla), Destruction (the bombs), and love (which he never had cause his father left him), that Edward Norton could find the NOW!!!
That is what fight club was about, that is what LIFE is about. That is the Secret
NOW, next time you are watching your television, drinking your alchohol, playing video games, shopping for your new shoes, remember that you are succumbing to the fears instilled inside of you from large greedy companies and organizations. You are investing in the perpetuation of your own unhappiness. Every time you watch a commercial it will take you further into your mind of past and future worry, and further from LIFE...........................
oh, and don't bother looking any of this up on Google, because the first thousand hits will be sites owned by large corporations who paid to have their websites come up first. "Need to buy some viagra? your penis is too small...you are not good enough". Check the bible?... it is only a book edited by thousands of generations of government sponsored organizations...
So where is the truth? only you can find it, and I may have helped you, but I remain apathetic, but if you do find it more power to you :)
p.s. dont bother telling me what you think i dont care, opinions emotions and ideas are not truly yours, they were given to you by society. The mind that you use to think with was given to you by socity and your narrow life experiences (regardless of where you have traveled) have taken place in society. The only thing that is you is your being, which is silent, (because it is pretty hard to talk or even think in the time of a trillisecond

Pheww..fucking hard to follow eh..but when the mind is at unrest anything is easy to believe..!!