Memories of an erstwhile boy...!

Sittin here in office, 7.16 in the evening or so…
My eyes feel like a whore’s sore pussy, no friends on chat all of em gone to get a life,
I guess..
Loaded with work that can be done but requires special effort from me,
No complaits there, though , id have loved to, do less and earn more
But what leaves me numb with astonishment is that there is absolutely nothing for me to luk forward tomorrow besides coming here and working like the crew of a sinking ship to hang on to a job;
I mean there are people out there with better things to think about as well as worse things to think about, and I become confused as to whther I should call myself lucky or unlucky,
It s weird, you never know whether you are right or wrong when you crib, you think things could be better than this, and then you think thing could be worse also, and by the time you’re done thinking, it burns the remaining energy I need for the work
And I am here thinking, life is smacking roller-coaster…hehehe
I mean im tired, I m not sure what to expect anymore, what to do or not, and it’s not like my best work is going to save my ass, or anything,
It s just that im giving myself a little more relief to think if I do this today then maybe my tomorrow is safer, I always used to wonder what the need to be scared of life is,
I mean the whole life insurance thing, the security against everything, the constant fears that burn within parents, it was scary to see it in their eyes, mixed wih love, there was this mortal fear always,
I never knew why, but now I do, as that fire is stoking up inside me as well.
There are so many things to be scared of, I mean there is no dearth at all, people don’t need any reason to start disliking you,
And they need a lot of reasons to like you,
Life is a struggle, and seriously you don’t see too many pleasant faces smiling at you, like in college or when you were growing up,
People size you up before you do or say anything, if you are too good, you are treated with cunning like a threat, and if you are too bad, then you are not considered at all, then and then only, will people crack jokes with you about you, they relax if you are perceived as no threat and considered inferior to them;
You know, there were times when I used to love the serene solitude of a library aisle, they understood you, you read off the pages of history from centuries of human struggle and lessons learnt through tests of fire, there were poems of beauty, of flights of fantasy that seemed so real, you could hold them a moment and watch them vaporize through your fingers the next,
It did not make sense, but it was at home with the aesthetics of beauty, and beauty and its musings seemed to sate hungry souls like mine, there was expression all around you, there were the many myriad ways of which a feeling was translated into words, depicted as a color, and etched like a beautiful memory, there were passion and love, there was sin and deep meditations upon it, there was mystery, intrigue, every book you took contained a secret of hidden page in history, of a secret memory in some hidden labyrinth of long lost soul’s mind, heart, what not,
There were so many questions on existence that popped up, they enveloped ur realm into theirs, they surrounded you, whispered ideas into ur mind to you like God’s angels, some even like his devils, they spoke of secrets that were never discussed, life was scarlet, pink, blue, myriad…
Those evenings, afternoons, and mornings belonged to the sages of Europe whose mere utterances on a moment, filled one with fresh vigour of experiencing a feeling, a sensation of pain, of pleasure, of misry, of happiness, on closer observation everything seemed to make the soul feel the same, it was an agitation,
And what could an agitation do, what could it not do, it could alter history, lifetimes it could alter..!!!
It was a kid in the candy-store feeling, I watched as they unfolded before me, it was seduction at its peak of beauty, I could listen and listen and listen, to what they said , they danced sang, opened secret doors to other secret lands, they were clad in white , their fingers were slender, like white crystal, they danced around me like veils of smoke, it was beautiful, I was enchanted, lost, surrendered, my soul was a hollow to encompass them, I lay watching them, infant eyed, and I felt overcome by joy, it had no reason, it was black, scarlet, t was joy…
They were pages of many lives, sirens, who sang tunes of sweet deliriums, of nights of joyous reveries, of the meaningless existences of life, and their escapes, I was a like a traveler who had reached his destination through the desert, it was as an oasis of my dreams, and yet I suffered when I woke, it hurt me to know that they had passed as I woke,
I was awake through the nights to watch them, asleep through the days, waiting for the nights, I prayed I would be with them, that they would take me with them, and not leave me here in this dry desert of hostile towns, wasted strangers, ignorant people, I suffered through the days, trod on through the nights wearily, hoping they would take me, they did’nt
My pain was silent, my pain was like knife inside my heart, and my pain gripped my being, and my pain left me no map to go where I wanted, my pain left me an orphan..
And still today as u travel on ur way, u shall see me on the wayside, leaning against a rock, in the hot sun, staring at skies for their coming, my throat parched, my eyes glassy, I wait for delirium to come to me, my place of belonging, the place I shall go an die..!!

hmmm

was wearing my pants today, was worrying y i shud, after all without it, i can be easier turned on when i meet a woman, i cud let her touch my thing, get me soul-lessly passionate, be her slave to make love to her, fuck her, like she ll have no tommoro..!!and get on confused just as i was earlier, wy was i tryin to hide my dick, y was i hiding myself in jeans and t, y can t i fuck every woman that s around that craves cumming like i do into another being..am pissed off..!! fuck it..