Memories of an erstwhile boy...!

Sittin here in office, 7.16 in the evening or so…
My eyes feel like a whore’s sore pussy, no friends on chat all of em gone to get a life,
I guess..
Loaded with work that can be done but requires special effort from me,
No complaits there, though , id have loved to, do less and earn more
But what leaves me numb with astonishment is that there is absolutely nothing for me to luk forward tomorrow besides coming here and working like the crew of a sinking ship to hang on to a job;
I mean there are people out there with better things to think about as well as worse things to think about, and I become confused as to whther I should call myself lucky or unlucky,
It s weird, you never know whether you are right or wrong when you crib, you think things could be better than this, and then you think thing could be worse also, and by the time you’re done thinking, it burns the remaining energy I need for the work
And I am here thinking, life is smacking roller-coaster…hehehe
I mean im tired, I m not sure what to expect anymore, what to do or not, and it’s not like my best work is going to save my ass, or anything,
It s just that im giving myself a little more relief to think if I do this today then maybe my tomorrow is safer, I always used to wonder what the need to be scared of life is,
I mean the whole life insurance thing, the security against everything, the constant fears that burn within parents, it was scary to see it in their eyes, mixed wih love, there was this mortal fear always,
I never knew why, but now I do, as that fire is stoking up inside me as well.
There are so many things to be scared of, I mean there is no dearth at all, people don’t need any reason to start disliking you,
And they need a lot of reasons to like you,
Life is a struggle, and seriously you don’t see too many pleasant faces smiling at you, like in college or when you were growing up,
People size you up before you do or say anything, if you are too good, you are treated with cunning like a threat, and if you are too bad, then you are not considered at all, then and then only, will people crack jokes with you about you, they relax if you are perceived as no threat and considered inferior to them;
You know, there were times when I used to love the serene solitude of a library aisle, they understood you, you read off the pages of history from centuries of human struggle and lessons learnt through tests of fire, there were poems of beauty, of flights of fantasy that seemed so real, you could hold them a moment and watch them vaporize through your fingers the next,
It did not make sense, but it was at home with the aesthetics of beauty, and beauty and its musings seemed to sate hungry souls like mine, there was expression all around you, there were the many myriad ways of which a feeling was translated into words, depicted as a color, and etched like a beautiful memory, there were passion and love, there was sin and deep meditations upon it, there was mystery, intrigue, every book you took contained a secret of hidden page in history, of a secret memory in some hidden labyrinth of long lost soul’s mind, heart, what not,
There were so many questions on existence that popped up, they enveloped ur realm into theirs, they surrounded you, whispered ideas into ur mind to you like God’s angels, some even like his devils, they spoke of secrets that were never discussed, life was scarlet, pink, blue, myriad…
Those evenings, afternoons, and mornings belonged to the sages of Europe whose mere utterances on a moment, filled one with fresh vigour of experiencing a feeling, a sensation of pain, of pleasure, of misry, of happiness, on closer observation everything seemed to make the soul feel the same, it was an agitation,
And what could an agitation do, what could it not do, it could alter history, lifetimes it could alter..!!!
It was a kid in the candy-store feeling, I watched as they unfolded before me, it was seduction at its peak of beauty, I could listen and listen and listen, to what they said , they danced sang, opened secret doors to other secret lands, they were clad in white , their fingers were slender, like white crystal, they danced around me like veils of smoke, it was beautiful, I was enchanted, lost, surrendered, my soul was a hollow to encompass them, I lay watching them, infant eyed, and I felt overcome by joy, it had no reason, it was black, scarlet, t was joy…
They were pages of many lives, sirens, who sang tunes of sweet deliriums, of nights of joyous reveries, of the meaningless existences of life, and their escapes, I was a like a traveler who had reached his destination through the desert, it was as an oasis of my dreams, and yet I suffered when I woke, it hurt me to know that they had passed as I woke,
I was awake through the nights to watch them, asleep through the days, waiting for the nights, I prayed I would be with them, that they would take me with them, and not leave me here in this dry desert of hostile towns, wasted strangers, ignorant people, I suffered through the days, trod on through the nights wearily, hoping they would take me, they did’nt
My pain was silent, my pain was like knife inside my heart, and my pain gripped my being, and my pain left me no map to go where I wanted, my pain left me an orphan..
And still today as u travel on ur way, u shall see me on the wayside, leaning against a rock, in the hot sun, staring at skies for their coming, my throat parched, my eyes glassy, I wait for delirium to come to me, my place of belonging, the place I shall go an die..!!

hmmm

was wearing my pants today, was worrying y i shud, after all without it, i can be easier turned on when i meet a woman, i cud let her touch my thing, get me soul-lessly passionate, be her slave to make love to her, fuck her, like she ll have no tommoro..!!and get on confused just as i was earlier, wy was i tryin to hide my dick, y was i hiding myself in jeans and t, y can t i fuck every woman that s around that craves cumming like i do into another being..am pissed off..!! fuck it..

the terror, the melancholia, the search, all mixed together, haunt me from place to place, all the time..
my heart knows no peace..!!! my soul knows no peace..!!!
i am full of desire, so they say im a sinner..!!
my heart knows no peace..!!! my soul knows no peace..!!!
i wander to sate, only to sate, i long for the peace, only the peace,
but my desire eggs me on, and onwards i go to seek new pleasure, suffer fresh pains,
thankless am i, to myself, and rage builds within, to new loves, to renwed hates,
but the zest is good they say, the zest is good,
the zest for stupidity, becomes the zest for life i say..
and how many tears shall dribble down from my eyes;
and how much ache shall my heart take, i know not,
but for the resting place i yearn,
be it warm bosom, bed of earth, place of winged fantasy,
i still yearn,
to be free,
To be free is my plea;
is but my only humble plea

Why i am F#$% around

This is an excerpt from Wikipedia about the essence and meaning of a book and a movie by the same name - Fight club. And this is wat i 'as looking for all these years:

I was trying to figure out that movie for years, thinking about it, studying buddhism, zen philosophy, re-arranging my life, thinking to myself what is wrong with my life, and why am i the only one that feels like edward norton searching for his ice cave. looking for salvation, peace, happiness.
the truth?
everybody in this world is the "space monkey" (Fight club Terminology) living their lives blindly under the control of large corporations instilling fear and insecurities into you with commercials that tell you you are not good enough. conditioning the mind to work too hard, worrying about future, regretful about the past, and seeking salvation in things that provided only temporary relief, but only exacerbated the problems(TV commercials, drugs, cinema, video games, etc.) even religion has become something too complicated to understand, the bible is HUGE and mostly meaningless, preaching morals and hellfire, when peace of mind is what humans are truly seeking.
The Key?
The controlers want us to live in our minds, where we worry about the past and future, and live our lives in fear and thus spend more money trying to improve and protect ourselves.
Now for the RADICAL CONCEPT that you have been looking for, that EVERYONE has been looking for...
But, Time does not exist, if you are thinking about a week in the past or future, that is not REAL, it is only in the mind. All love, compassion, Joy, Grace, GOD, Peace, Happiness, ENERGY, LIFE, comes from NOW. That is what religion is for. when you see someone sexy or cute or lovely, it makes you HAPPY, because it BRINGS YOU INTO THE PRESENT. Loved ones, drugs, sex, beauty, they are ONLY FORMS. The true happiness comes from the PRESENT that those forms bring you into. So when you thought that those things were what made you happy, you were WRONG. it is being in the NOW that brings true happiness. You might laugh and think that is silly, but truly you have NEVER been in the now, this trillisecond. It is only through meditation (in the ice cave), intense fighting (with tyler durden), self mutilation (the acid burning his hand), sex (marla), Destruction (the bombs), and love (which he never had cause his father left him), that Edward Norton could find the NOW!!!
That is what fight club was about, that is what LIFE is about. That is the Secret
NOW, next time you are watching your television, drinking your alchohol, playing video games, shopping for your new shoes, remember that you are succumbing to the fears instilled inside of you from large greedy companies and organizations. You are investing in the perpetuation of your own unhappiness. Every time you watch a commercial it will take you further into your mind of past and future worry, and further from LIFE...........................
oh, and don't bother looking any of this up on Google, because the first thousand hits will be sites owned by large corporations who paid to have their websites come up first. "Need to buy some viagra? your penis is too small...you are not good enough". Check the bible?... it is only a book edited by thousands of generations of government sponsored organizations...
So where is the truth? only you can find it, and I may have helped you, but I remain apathetic, but if you do find it more power to you :)
p.s. dont bother telling me what you think i dont care, opinions emotions and ideas are not truly yours, they were given to you by society. The mind that you use to think with was given to you by socity and your narrow life experiences (regardless of where you have traveled) have taken place in society. The only thing that is you is your being, which is silent, (because it is pretty hard to talk or even think in the time of a trillisecond

Pheww..fucking hard to follow eh..but when the mind is at unrest anything is easy to believe..!!

im naked..cold wet drops hit me slipping from the grey sky..the breeze across the green waves of velvet grass makes my naked crotch tingle n grow hard...im still not free..something still plays in the back of my mind like a refrain of a a piano note.. I am worried i wanna cry..i am lonely.. but is that my only problem.do i want somebody to be with, share with, wil tat solve my issues in life...there s more..i may not it with conviction..but yet i know..11 i know.. i ve tried everything..almost actually...yet that is such a great hi..that almost spurs me on cos i wanna see wat is at the end of each hole n burrow..inquisitive..yes. tired yes.every endeavour seems to end in pain no matter how conflicting my views r with those in the world...rewarding and refreshing at first..jading.and tainting later thru..tired yes..inquisitive yes...its not a free world...the ties are in my head..SOMEDAY I LL REALISE..someday...i want a woman who can make me forget everything...rather than remind me anything. the former's s a mistress, the latter s a wife..hmm..stupid..stupid..is all i can say

Pain

hurts wen i sit alone...
i nurse my wounds...waiting for the next hunt..!!!
my blood conquers through my ragged skin..
the rain stings in searing spraks through my body..
the jaws tighten..
the eyes narrow...anger...nods along..!!
this tree, the green lusting refreshed in the rains, the wetness has become my world...
im going to dig into this lil pool of mud beside my legs n save my myself the heat
..for the next hunt..!!! hehehe..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

tearing roar....

sweat of blood;

the skies n shreds...

nails ripping into flesh...

the trails of blood;..

red bloody rage,

dark, scarlet passions...

pierced tender stretched skin,

blood gushing like vomit,

the tremors of tumult inside a sea;

the soul of a beast;

the HEART of a saint;

THE GARB OF A HUMAN;

cutting thru the deeps like a fish's fins

the lookout for home...

for peace..for silence...for silent awakenings...for silence..deep as the sea..and of the soul..

i swim, i cry, i tear, i destroy, i pillage, i burn down, i loot, rape,

claim as my own, to lose to my very self..

i fry..;

yet i search that elusive elixir of my soul...

for in my soul t is..as is all else evrywer..